Okay so my second day on the job, not as titillating as the first, but still wicked cool. I show up, which is more than I’ve done for any other job quite honestly, so we’re off to a good start. I’m feeling a little green around the gills by nobody’s fault but my own. Stomach is a little queasy but I figure I’m just going to patrol the Sexy Zone so no big shakes. Yeah. Not so much.
I stroll on into work with five minutes to spare, sunglasses on to block out any Nevada sunshine and hopefully ease this headache. I’m clutching a can of my favorite energy drink in an effort to kick start my morning and drown these butterflies that have seem to set up shop in my gut. So I clock in and Raven is right there. She tries to play it off like she is ready to put me to work, but really, I think she’s just looking to log in some Q.T. with the cutie. Crazy little minx is crazy for the Jinx!
‘Rough night, kiddo?’ she says with a sly smile that looked quite innocent at the time, but now looking back on it, was pure evil. She knew what she was going to put me through right from the get go and she loved every minute of it.
We leave the office and go down to the warehouse where there are boxes everywhere. We keep getting in new stuff literally every day so the warehouse crew is constantly filling orders and getting new products out to the store. Once it comes out to the floor – that’s the lingo us costume consultants use – we are responsible for pricing it and putting it up on the shelves. I did this a little bit yesterday with some costumes so I figure maybe the High School Musical costumes arrived or the shipment of sexy pirate costumes hit the dock. My vote was for the pirate costumes because I just didn’t feel like staring at that Chicken Corbin Bleu’s mug all morning long. But I digress.
Bottom line, there was no High School Musical.
There were no pirates.
Just body parts. Everywhere. It was like a freaking morgue exploded! Arms, legs, feet, eyeballs, everything - just sprawled out across the showroom floor. And these things are not like Cracker Jack quality kind of body parts. These things are so realistic that as soon as my eyes got a glimpse of the partially eaten hand, I gagged. I literally made an audible ‘glug’ noise. Now, I’m a guy and this stuff doesn’t bother me but today, it was bothering me. Raven totally heard me gag. I haven’t seen a head whip around so quickly since I watched the Exorcist.
‘You think you can handle this today? Or is your tummy just not up for it?’ she said. But of course she does it in that condescending voice which immediately means I can’t wimp out.
‘Yeah, I’m good.’ I say with as much confidence in myself as I can possibly muster. Internally, I know this is going to be a rough one but no way am I going to let her see me let a little severed limb or bloody brain get to me. Side note: those butterflies have now evolved into a small alien that is using my lower abdomen as a trampoline. Greeeaaaattt.
So I dive in and start sorting severed arms from severed legs. Severed arms with sleeves from severed arms without sleeves. Partially eaten hands and legs from skeleton hands and legs. I can feel Raven staring at me, but not in that longing for my touch kind of way, but more of a ‘I-wanna-see-this-guy-squirm’ kind of way. Witchy, witchy woman she is. So I keep plugging away all the while thinking about how I can torture my little sister with this stuff. Severed arm under her sheets, eyeball floating in her container of juice, cut off finger in the bottom of her bookbag. Good times, good times. During all my evil plotting I lose myself in thoughts of girlish squeals and shrieks of terror to the point of almost forgetting about my stomach alien. How quickly I was reminded.
Raven yells to me ‘You can take your lunch now if you want. That is of course if your poor wittle tummy can handle wit.’ Again with the condescending voice, but this time she punctuated it with a little chuckle at my expense. I give her my classic smile and head nod as if to say, “Tease me if you wish, but I’ve got it all under control’ and head towards the break room. As I walk through the door, one of my fellow costume consultants Stan advises me that he has some left over food in the fridge if I want it. I love my co-workers – always looking out for the Jinx.
Entering into the break room I head straight for the fridge. The usual break room delicacies reside in the fridge: leftover Chinese, spaghetti ohs, cold pizza and random Rubbermaid containers filled with something that was once somebody’s dinner. I grab the container marked ‘Stanley’, cop a squat at the table, fork in hand ready to dive on in. At this point, the alien has taken a nap and I’m going to sneak some food in there. Looks like Stan has left me some spaghetti and meatballs so I tear off the lid ready to devour the leftovers. However, instead of seeing a delightful conglomeration of spaghetti, meatballs and sauce, a bloody, disembodied heart is staring back at me. My gasp of surprise apparently woke the alien up and in turn scared him causing me to go running for the sink, where, how do I say?? Let the alien be free. Not fun.
When I finish saying my last goodbyes to my stomach alien, I turn around to find Raven and Stan doubled over with laughter. I, however, remain un-amused.
‘What was that for!?’ I bellow at them.
Finally, after wiping away tears from their fits of laughter and catching their breath, Raven looks at me and simply says ‘Welcome to the HalloweenMart team. We’re a real scream!” I smile, partially because it was pretty funny and a unique rite of passage, but more because I’ve already started plotting my revenge.
Til next time compadres, get naked! We’ve got you covered.